Some famous person once said; ”no matter how much your mother loves you,you cannot hang on her skirts forever”
Fine,no famous person ever said those words,i just feel that of the many famous people that i know, one of them should have said that. Wouldn’t you agree to that?
There comes a time when a boy raised in the village can no longer sleep on her mother mama’s kitchen..or on the living room couch,..this happens when a boy is transforming into a man…and a man requires a house..his own house and whatever he does inside the house is his own business.
Where i was born, the circumstances under which a man decides that he deserves his own ‘simba’ are different, but there is always one common denominator…”mandi opong’o lweti”..that is to say;if you feel that you have grown bigger balls.
Before they build their own ‘simba’,some people seek refuge in their elder brother’s ‘simba’..they sleep their so long until they forget that they deserve to build their own,then one day the big brother brings a girl home…on permanent basis..a wife..and that’s when they have to face an eviction,that’s when you look at that open space opposite your brother’s ‘simba’…that small piece of land where you are supposed to build your own ‘simba’…that empty land would be your shelter,and so the building process begins.
You already know where you should erect your simba,but as a culture,your father who is the owner of the homestead comes and points to you the area..this is considered a blessing..you buy whatever will be needed for the erection of the structure..you procure the services of a construction contractor..(it’s rude to call them fundi)..the fundi does the measurements, erects the corner poles and does the roofing…it can be a two day’s work but if you are feeding him well and the daily allowance is fat..it can take a week….
Now the roof needs some thatching too,..I am not saying that all professional thatchers are night-runners,I am only stating an observation that in my village, about 90% them are…So there are high chances that you will get a night-runner thatcher..and he will do the roofing in such a way that his work will be made easier when he visits at night…just don’t take personal..it is their code of ethics.
Now the walls need to be done…the famous ”muono”…you dont do this alone,it is a communal job..you invite friends to help…they help at no cost..you only provide food(porridge and githeri,then later ugali and chicken)…and liquor-about two liters of chang’aa and you are good to go….this post hasn’t picked the pace that you were expecting..and you are probably yawning as you go through this…it’s boring me too… but just hold on.
If you want to gauge your popularity in our village,just invite people when you have a ‘muono’ function…people will come…and no matter how poor you were at high school math, do this simple maths;Y=Mx+C…assume Y is the total number of villagers who come..C is constant (the number of your relatives+very close friends+village alcoholics who will go anywhere for free liquor or free food)…x is the number of those genuine guests but you multiply with a factor M which depends on the day of the week…dont be surprised if your Y=C …
The ‘muono’ process is the best part of the building..protocol is followed to the latter…verbal jabs are thrown left right and center, .jokes are thrown..serious jokes…people laugh them off and they are forgotten…for every food that comes…the house owner tastes first..he takes even the liquor first…its the tradition…
when it’s all done…now you have your brand new ‘simba’…the first four nights,you sleep there alone..on the fifth night..you are free to offer shelter to any body..especially the opposites sex…this post is getting dirty now..you might as well stop at this point…it is PG18 from this point…
Building the ‘simba’ is not the problem…the problem is ‘opening’ it…’opening’ in the sense that you bring a lady there…to spend the night..to remove her knickers…and bless the simba…it is not that simple because there are ground rules.
The first rule of thumb;any lady used for this opening ceremony can go crazy…not crazy in the context of ” xaxa sweety,am crazy over you”..it crazy in the sense that she can be a mental case..so this means that no lady would accept to be used for such a function…
If you ‘open’ the simba with a number,in future..no matter how many kilograms of lust you might harbor,this lady must never sleep in the simba again…never…
You must never use your girlfriend for the opening ceremony,not unless you are planning to cut links with her after that…refer to rule number 1;she might turn into a mental case.
Rule number 4;If another man does the ‘opening’ in your house before you do,you will become a mental case..and probably walk naked in the local market with a large garbage sack in your back and talking in tongues as you sing crazy songs…everybody fears this rule.
If you take too long before ‘opening’..you are ridiculed in the village…if you use a ‘hivi hivi’ girl for the opening..more ridicules…if you dont open it…you might as well move out of the village..but the ridicules will be following anyway….if you do the opening..people have to know..otherwise if they didnt see it..then it didnt happen…
Woe unto you if you are a new simba owner…this is the time when village girls escape you like ebola…if you attend a village disco..no girl dances anywhere near you-as if you can use some charm on them then take them home and remove their knickers without their knowledge…your fellow boys are also watching you out,just to see if you will be lucky enough to fool some lady…it is not easy…
And yet amongst all these difficulties…men still do what they have to do…it isnt easy…opening the simba is a dirty game..it involves trickery and lies…
Talk of Jack..facebook username;Jack Got koyembe..he used trickery…he found a lady bought her several bottles..carried her home and the mission was accomplished…
Obare the son of Oware; he capitalised on a woman’s desperation..some lady from Taita came to the village..she needed a job..any job…Obare promised to help her get a job,but meanwhile she gave her shelter..after some days,the woman realised that it is more important to have a husband that a job..Obare married her..she was the first taita lady that i saw…Obare broke rule number two…but nothing happened….they only divorced after several months of marriage…many months..about seven months…
I built my simba in the heat of post election vilolence 2008-actually it was built for me,i didnt have a single coin..all the budget was catered for..before then,i was comfortably sleeping in Steve’s simba-Steve is my elder brother…then one day he decided that he needed a wife..and he brought a lady home on permanent basis…that day,i spent the night in another homestead,Steve’s simba(not steve my brother,steve my friend,facebook username;Steve vosti Odhiambo)..the next day my building process began..it took about one week to fix…
The simba was completed about one week before the college semester resumed,i slept there (even before fixing the door) for four nights alone.I had 3 more nights to use wisely before going back to college…I had to open the house on the fifth night..otherwise somebody could open it when am long gone to college.
People get girls through different means…some people use money…i was in college,to broke to waste money…some people just smile and the girl follows them home…i dont have a nice smile…some people are good with their words..they know their vibes…am not good at that either..in the village,some people instill fear on all their competitiors and they end up the only contender for the girls pelvic area, and they get the girl…i have never instilled fear on anybody…my only weapon has always been some little humor..and this only works with the girls who know me and would give me an ear…unfortunately..all the girls who knew me also knew that i had a brand new simba which had not been ‘opened’…i wasn’t lucky guys..
In the trickery department there are many sections…meet the ”one chair section”…in this section there is one principle;”At any one particular time,a simba shall and will only have one chair”…when a man comes home with a vising lady..the man rushes to sit on the chair,the girl will have no option but to sit on the next available sit…which is the bed…and at some point the man will find an excuse to migrate from his chair to the bed….depending on his bargaining power…dinner will be served….
I didn’t open the simba on the fifth night…or the sixth night…not even the seventh night…and i extended my stay at home…no rush to go back to college in the first week…on the eighth night..there was a village disco…this was to be my night..i had to make a kill on that night..i went to the disco..engaged some lady on some small talk….she seemed to be enjoying my little talk and i was sure i was taking her home…i organised with my gang to provide security just in case some other gang decided to mess with me…it was my time to kill…then the generator went off,lights went off..s fight broke off on another corner of the homestead women took refuge in the nearby houses,my supposed kill ran too…i don’t remember what her name was…but i have never seen her since February of 2008…and on the 8th night..i didnt open the house….
Next morning i had to travel back to Mombasa….as walked to the gate…i looked back to my ‘unopened’ house and saw it weeping..it stood there…red walls,cracks on the walls,lazily and tirelessly standing there,probably wondering why i couldn’t bless and honor it with the presence of a lady….the door stood slightly ajar…probably symbolizing it agape mouth of surprise and disbelief..why?? why did i have to treat it this way…with every step i took away from it..the grief increased…and as i made the final corner..it still couldn’t believe….i took a final look back and saw the shinny roof top…and i was reassured that it didnt crumble down on my disappointment…but my final words;i will be back,and i will honor you my house.
Today if you ask me if i am the one who ‘opened’ my house or somebody did it while i was away;i would tell you that I am not sure..go on…laugh..laugh at me..laugh at the man who didn’t open his house..laugh all you can..laugh it out..are you happy now?…if you are a man you can even laugh more…i have no case against you-i cant pin you down…but if you are a lady..dating or married to a luo man or a luhya man…and you know that you didn’t help yuor man in house ‘opening’..then next time if you go upcountry…go to the market…look around…when you see a mad woman walking half naked in the market..buy her a banana and thank her…she was probably the one used in opening that house you call ‘yours’…are you still laughing at me?..i hope not.
When the semester closed after four months..i came home with fresh gusto..i had to up my game…i had to employ trickery too..playing nice wasn’t helping…and the house had to be opened….i was all psyched up with new vibes..and the first lady who fell prey to my new vibes asked me;”wewe umesaa fungua ile nyumba yako kweli?”…and i used reverse psychology….i didn’t answer her immediately…i paused…looked her straight in the eyes…and laughed a confident laugh..the way Willis the word master laughs when he calls Betty Kyalo;…”hehehehe…Bettyyy”….and so i was like;”hehehe..bado sijafungua”….and she laughed back..”hihihih,haki wee ni mwongo”….and I silently let out a heavy breath and said under my breath…”done deal”….
evansagolla 